Ask any of my friends or close relatives and they'll tell you that I'm one vodka-soaked olive short of a total lush. Or alternately, ask any of the sworn enemies I've collected from a solid year of making fun of people on the Internet and they'll tell you I'm an inveterate drunk. Though there's likely more than a kernel of truth to these accusations, I'm a writer, it's part and parcel to the profession and has been since Homer. All the same, us varsity-level drinkers get to be smug around the holiday season as the more responsible folks start indulging for the usual reasons people drink during yuletide festivities. I've never been one to join in on the absurd sloshing about of Christmas and New Years, but there are a few drinks I enjoy exclusively in the month of December. These are my cold weather drinks.

First off, I need to nip this whole eggnog thing in its ridiculous bud. I know it's the stereotypical Christmas drink, but I refuse both in principle and by experience to consume this cheap joke of a holiday libation. Everything good about eggnog can be found elsewhere in a less absurd package. I like brandy as much as the next guy, but I see no reason to pair it with an overly viscous, eggy cream covered in, of all things, nutmeg. If you're going to adulterate brandy, which I'm not sure there's any reason to in the first place, why not make a Gentleman's Tea instead? Take a good, simple black tea, especially any strong British variety, and hit it with a shot or two of respectable sipping brandy and maybe some sharp spices like cinnamon. Stir just enough to diffuse the alcohol throughout but not so much that a fair portion doesn't settle at the bottom. The resulting drink is warm, relaxing and tasty.

As for the creamy requirement of holiday season drinking, December is the one time a year I'll allow myself to indulge in Irish Cream. A proper Irish Cream on ice is excellent for sipping in front of a fire. I tend to avoid any extraneous flavors, like caramel or mint, if only because they make this already decadent drink a bit too busy. Given the relatively low alcohol content (typically 20% by volume, that's liqueur territory) it's both difficult and ill-advised to pursue more than a mild buzz from Irish Cream. Any dedicated acolyte of Dionysus knows how to distinguish between relaxing beverages and full-on mood altering cocktails.

While I don't abide by mint-flavored Irish Cream, I can appreciate the importance of peppermint to the overall palate of the holiday season. I've yet to acquire a taste for a specific mint cocktail, so I usually allow December to be a time for experimentation with the allure of the candy cane. The classic mint cocktail is, of course, the julep, but there's something absurd and unnecessary about that drink I just can't get behind. Bourbon is too fine on its own or simply on the rocks to gussy it up like a mojito. I'm more forgiving of the Grasshopper, a half-classy cream drink involving creme de menthe and creme de cacao. Still, if I wanted to drink a York peppermint patty I'd just chop one up and throw it in a milkshake.

A more respectable alternative is a cheeky cream drink called Alexander's Sister. This cocktail references the excellent early 20th century mix called the Brandy Alexander, one of my personal favorites. The sweet gent's sister involves equal parts cream, white creme de menthe and gin shaken gingerly and garnished with a slice of fresh cucumber.

I know you casual drinkers like to use this time of the year to cut loose and it's adorable that you try, but that's no reason to be irresponsible with what and how much you put in your body over the holidays. Enjoy yourselves but don't try to keep up with us professionals. We do these things so you don't have to.