We're all unique little snowflakes. Bear with me here. When in comes to the way our bodies handle mind-altering chemicals, there's a lot to consider before we can really judge just how we'll react or who we'll become when the chemicals get to altering. There are real, scientifically observed, physiological reasons why one guy is a sloppy drunk, one guy is an angry drunk and another guy is a fun drunk. Alcohol, unlike most drugs, gets into the body in a wide variety of states with little to no concern for the individual attributes of that body. Here's a little bit of a primer on why we are who we are when we drink and how to judge (roughly) what kind of drunk we want to be.

First of all, let's talk about what alcohol actually is, pharmacologically speaking. Like barbiturates and anesthetics, the methyl-methylene-hydroxyl compound ethanol is classified as a depressant. Strictly speaking, this means that it inhibits or otherwise slows chemical reactions and neural activity, i.e. less efficient organ function and limits on how well the brain communicates with the body and other parts of the brain.

But it's not as simple as that. If ethanol was just a straight-up depressant like medical anesthetic, it'd just be the opposite of coffee. It'd slow you down, make you sleepy and sap your attention span. Sure, alcohol does all of that, but not right away and not at the same intensity in all people. Here's why.

The human body processes ethanol in two "limbs", the ascending and descending. First the body freaks out and does weird things (ascending), then it tries to keep you from further poisoning yourself by going into lockdown (descending), to use terms that make sense to those who didn't work on the research team of Drs. Holdstock and de Wit during their 1999 study into the stimulant and depressant effects of alcohol on human subjects.

During the ascending limb, high doses of ethanol, such as what one would find in hard liquor, cause the bodies of roughly half of all people to experience a stimulant effect like that which is caused by caffeine, cocaine or nicotine. Part of this is because a human liver hit with alcohol spills large amounts of sugar into the bloodstream, resulting in a rush. The other big reason is a sort of neurochemical coin toss. Alcohol inhibits brain activity, which can mean a lot of different things. If it inhibits a positive action, like motor skills, it slows you down. But if it inhibits another inhibitor, like impulse control or self-consciousness, it basically lets you off your mental leash. For an as yet unknown reason, some folks are more prone to inhibitor inhibition during the ascending limb.

Of course, everybody experiences the descending limb the same way. The depressant effects of ethanol go into full swing as organ function slows, neural activity becomes more broadly inhibited and the body gradually shuts down as a defense mechanism against further drinking.

A few ways to judge what kind of drunk you'll be tonight, with lots of room for error, are to assess your SMT (Sex, Muscle and Temperature). Generally speaking, men's bodies have a higher muscle-to-fat ratio, but a more muscular woman will enjoy some of the same benefits. Muscle contains a higher concentration of water than fat does, so when the body reacts to ethanol by spilling excess water into the bloodstream to dilute the alcohol, muscular folks will have less potent stuff to metabolize. The temperature of the alcohol you drink is also important as the chemical reactions necessary for absorption and metabolization can only occur when the substance is warm. The colder your drink is, the more slowly your body will absorb it and later you'll experience the descending limb.

As always, if you're going to drink often enough for it to be a concern it's best if you just get to know your body on a more intuitive level. Still, keeping the SMT and the frequency at which you experience a stimulant effect will help you become a more responsible, or maybe just more accurate, drinker.